Something that has become clear to me over the past 4 years is that my success is often dependent on the opinions of those in control of me and not necessarily on my own performance or behavior. This is real life. This is why we kiss ass at work and then grumble at home about how we shouldn't have to kiss ass, but it's reality.
As I've described before, there is a professor that I have this semester for two courses, and it became apparent very quickly that she viewed me as a threat. However quickly it became apparent, it was already too late because this professor is DEEPLY entrenched in politics and shuns anyone who gets in her way of establishing herself as the most powerful, the most in control, the most knowledgeable. So in the first week and a half of school I was learning her teaching style, and she was already sizing me up as a threat. So despite my efforts to kiss ass, it was against me before I even realized it. It's possible my reputation proceeded me and it was against me before I even enrolled in the course. Either way, this professor is playing the game much harder than I care to.
Anyway, so these political issues make themselves apparent in my grades in both of her classes. Let me make clear that grades at the doctoral level don't matter outside of the program. As long as you get the grades you need to stay in the program, all you need is professor recommendations to get a job. However, grades can also be a sign that shows whether the professor likes you. Professors who like you will reward excellent work with an A- or an A. This shows that you have not only the skills but the backing of the professor. Professors who do not like you but cannot give you lower grades because your performance is excellent and doesn't warrant it will give you a B or B+. This is high enough for you to stay in the program but low enough for the professor to make a point, to exercise control, to show their superiority. It is important for doctoral students to understand that grades don't matter, and if they get a grade that allows them to stay in the program they should accept it and move on.
I have this attitude! It took a lot to let go of the grade culture that is ingrained in our academic community, but it was refreshing to say "I'm okay with a B" when I understand the situation. Knowing the nature of the beast makes life much less stressful. I have received nothing but B's in her classes so far this semester, and I don't care. I don't ask questions about her markings, I don't question her grades. But you can be darn sure that she will not be on my dissertation committee, that I will not be asking for recommendations from her, and I will fight tooth and nail to not include her research in my explorations and research. I have to play the game, but I'll only play it enough to get through and get a job.
So my success in these classes is coming from helping my classmates with the math and the computer programs, in knowing that I understand what is going on, and in that I feel enthusiastic about the materials being presented despite this professor's best efforts to squash that. :-) I just got my second take home test back with a B+ on it. Based on the comments and amount of marked information, I'm going to go ahead and read this like an A- in real life. Success.:-)
My real success this week came from my curriculum class which is taught by a different professor. I handed in my 15 page synthesis paper last Tuesday and I literally wrote it in the four days before it was due. I received my paper back with comments last night and the professor said it was some of my best work and that it landed in the A-/A range. This professor's feedback means a lot to me, and so working my way back to the A range from straight A-'s in her classes since January is pretty awesome. In her classes for me an A is an A, an A- can be interpreted as a B in real life.
Overall this semester is going very well. I'm doing well in all of my classes and my teaching is much better than last year. Scott and I are doing well. I've just been out straight and so now I'm tired, I'm worn down, but the next few weeks promise to be much slower, I have less things due, and one of my classes isn't meeting and so I can sleep in on Thursdays now. The semester is winding down, and I made it. :-)
On an unrelated note Scott and I will be celebrating our first year anniversary on Monday (Nov. 30) and we're excited. It's been an interesting year, and we're still going strong.
Happy Thanksgiving! Pictures of our Christmas tree will be up in a while.
